Sunday, February 05, 2006

An Elegy

She is no more. But why should it hurt me so much? Well the main reason is that I am aware of the fact that I haven’t done justice to her at least once in her life. I didn’t give her a chance to be happy. She came to my house with a promise to live with me for ever, till eternity separates us. Initially I didn’t like her much because it wasn’t a relationship where in I knew her for a long time and then we got together which was what I wanted in a long term relationship. It was Nazim Khan, my music teacher, who introduced her to me. He said she was the perfect one I could get in the entire world. When I heard her singing, I was more than sure about what Nazim Khan said because I carried an interest in music especially towards vocals. I didn’t think twice. A few days later I brought her to my house without having a formal house entering ceremony.

Initially I found it difficult to understand her. Because it was my first time being with her or in fact anyone like her. I didn’t know anything about her. But then something from inside my heart was yelling out that I wanted her more than anything in my life. Later I started liking her and we spent the most of our free time together. Initially she was too shy to sing for me. When I came to know more about her and we became close, what I heard from her was the most beautiful sounds of music. I thought I have made the right choice in my life.

I left my job and we both came to the place where I joined for my higher studies. Well I have to agree that the first signs of incongruity started from there. It wasn’t my mistake either. I didn’t get much time to spend with her. Educational systems are made like that. Not allowing for anything beyond books making people nothing but bookworms. I knew that she kind of missed me but I tried my best to spend the maximum possible time with her. In fact I also missed her very much especially her pearly voice. But with time and the heftiness of the academics, our trysts decreased in frequency. And somewhere it stopped. She would’ve felt bad as I was the only one for her in this whole world. I knew this, but I was helpless. And now when she is not around, I feel the emptiness engraving my mind.

It happened on a midnight, two weeks back, while I was reading something on my computer. She was near my desk looking at what I was doing on my computer. She used to do that whenever I work late night; that is everyday. I had a glance at her. It seemed she got used to the dodging from me and I continued with what I was doing. I was surprised when I heard some crackling from the side. I couldn’t understand from where it was coming. Initially the noises where less frequent but it increased with time. Then I heard some sharp breaking sounds piercing through the air and my ears. Six in a row; one followed by another. It was the kind of sound when something which is under great tension breaks apart to relieve the strain. After that I heard a big cracking sound. Don’t know why, but what I felt was that somewhere someone’s heart had broken down into pieces. And then I saw her lying on the floor frozen, relieved from the entire trauma she had undergone.

It was difficult for me to believe that. But reality stared back at me. I lost her. I can’t listen to her beautiful voice any more. I feel alone.

My guitar is no more...